I’m sitting here, it’s barely 8AM, and I’ve been awake for over 4 hours already. Our kiddo has been having frequent wake ups, which I attribute to our turn and burn Seattle trip. And I am fucking exhausted. Her last wakeup at 3:45AM the husband got up to soothe her, but after about 30 minutes of her crying for momma and boo boo, he relented and she came running into our bedroom. And yet, in a middle of the night parenting conversation, tells me he doesn’t want her to be nursing all the time. Um, OK. You let her come nurse because you couldn’t get her back to sleep…so do you not want her to nurse at all, or only when it’s convenient for you? Do you even see my exhaustion? Do you even see that I’m completely out of gas?
I’m the kind of exhausted where you feel drunk without the alcohol induced euphoria. Everything feels woozy. I feel sick to my stomach. I tried to get her back to sleep around 5:30, when the hubs left for the gym, but she only slept for about 45 minutes. Momma did not sleep. Laid in bed with that tired wired feeling where you are too amped up to get any shut eye.
The day trudges on and gives zero fucks about my tiredness. I discovered yesterday that our dog has blood in his piss, so I have a vet appointment at 9AM. At 1PM, I have a 2 hour appointment for paperwork and other stuff related to my new job. Dinner needs to get made because the toddler probably wants to eat. The house really needs to be cleaned but that ain’t happening anytime soon. I’m trying to find backup childcare for V because my husband told me 2 days ago that he plans to head to the Netherlands next week for work. Monday night. Thanks for leaving me alone for my first week on a new job. I want to find someone in case she is sick or needs to come home from daycare, because I do not want to have to leave early during the day from my new job. I want to scream at him, “Do you even realize all that I’ll have to do on my own while you are halfway around the fucking world?!?” The answer, of course, is no.
He doesn’t see that I’ve quit asking for a date night, because I’m tired of telling him that it’s important that we have 1-1 time together for our relationship. He doesn’t see that I’ve quit asking to go to couples therapy because it obviously isn’t a priority for him. He doesn’t even see that I’ve stopped asking to have weekly discussions on finances and parenting because I’m the only one to initiate and I’m sick of bringing it up. He doesn’t see that I have no energy or desire to fuck him at all. He doesn’t see how tired I am of asking and asking for him to help me with things around the house that I’ve decided it’s a waste of my breath and precious energy. He doesn’t see the imposition he puts upon me when he decides last minute to travel for business. He doesn’t see all that I do. Nor does he appreciate it either. He doesn’t see that not only am I running on fumes, that our relationship is running on fumes too.
He doesn’t even see. He doesn’t even see me. At all.