What is Going On With Me?

Last week we had a sitter and were able to meet up with a large group of friends for drinks. And we uber’d there so this momma could drink!  And there were several scintillating convos from that night that have my brain working overtime.

First convo was with the Hubs’ director.  We got to talking about swapping babysitting each other’s kids since we both don’t have  family in the area. To which he replied something about wife swapping and how he’d need to get to know me a little better. In my tipsy state I told him not to tease. Later on in the night, after a few more beers, I told him “well fuck you then”. I honestly cannot recall what the specific topic was that prompted me to say that to him but I remember it being playful banter. He made a smartass comment in return. And now all I can think about is screwing my husband’s director. LOL  To be honest there are a few of his male colleagues that I think are attractive for various reasons.

Inappropriate?  Totally!  But my husband’s director is my age, good looking, completely driven and has a great sense of humor. I’d totally sleep with him!

The other convo was with a girlfriend that was with us and she told me she “Netflix’d and chilled” with another mutual girlfriend. Go to urban dictionary if you don’t know the phrase. But be warned – that site can be quite vulgar. I was shocked and asked, “For real?”  My friend excitedly shook her head yes.

When the hubs and I discussed later that weekend we were bummed as we always thought we were the most scandalous Couple out of our group of friends. Hearing about this made us wonder if we really were?!?  We talked about wanting to up our game on the freak front. Truthfully we’ve been talking about this on and off for awhile but this has fueled that fire.

I’m not sure how we will engage in more scandalous behavior, but I’ll be sure to keep you posted…

Mixed Reviews

Sharing a few updates…some positive, some meh.  Let me set the stage for you on the marital bliss front tonight:  I’m on our deck, paying bills and enjoying watching the storm approach, while the hubs is couch surfing, on his phone (as per usual) while the TV drones on and on in the background.  I think he’s barely said 10 words to me since he got home at 7PM.  I’m trying not to take it personally…he’s had a long day and I’m guessing he wanted to unwind in peace.  It’s ok honey, let me cook dinner and clean up, get the toddler ready for bed and walk the dog.  You just sit there!!!!!

The good update – I’m no longer jobless!  YAY!!!!  I start my new gig next Monday the 18th.  It was a long process…I had interviewed last month (6/10) and am only starting now.  Offer negotiation, drug screening, pre-employment health screening and then finally orientation!  I’m really excited about the new role, as I’m doing business intelligence work in a clinical/healthcare environment.  This is a new area to me, but am SO geeked that I will be learning about it.  I’m going to get certified in EPIC, which is the electronic health record most hospitals and healthcare organizations use, so I figure this is my insurance for being able to get a job anywhere.  Anytime.

I’m a little nervous about starting back to work, because, well, it’s been 6 fucking months since I worked.  6 months!  My friend said it seemed like yesterday….and I wish I had felt that way.  This time has really dragged on for me and has been fraught with worry, so I’m happy to get back to some type of regular routine. And paycheck.  Fer real on the paycheck.

Which brings up a not so great update.  I filed for unemployment in early June, and have yet to receive a determination.  How incredibly shitty is that?  I mean, I’m thankful that we weren’t (and aren’t) living paycheck to paycheck, but for fuck’s sake, how would anyone survive having to wait over a month to know if you’ve been approved or not?!?  It is not something that anyone could even rely on and that’s a sad fact.  Much about our country seems sad these days.

Our Seattle trip was overall good.  We had a huge fight on the trail to Poo Poo Point.  And I’m seriously not shitting you on that name.  (See what I did there?!? Ha!!!!)  It is totally legit and I think it’s fabulous that our family hiked that trail.  Mind you, we did not make it to the top of Poo Poo Point.  You could say we had a blowout of sorts.  Husband had told me we were gonna hike for “an hour or so” and after 2 solid hours of hiking, I discover we have a scant amount of food for our toddler.  Who was scream crying for more food.  I became the bad guy for wanting to turn around and not try to make it to the summit because our daughter was hungry.  We resolved our fight on the way back, and I’m glad that we did.  I’d also call it progress for me because I didn’t really give a shit in that moment if I was the bad guy.  And usually I acquiesce if I’m feeling like the bad guy.

And our relationship has been kind of meh these days.  I go back and forth with how I’m feeling.  For those of you that have been married longer (we are going on 8+ years) do you often feel this way too?  I wonder if we’re going through a difficult season, or if something has fundamentally shifted in our relationship?  I know that having our daughter was a huge adjustment (and we’re still adjusting) but does it ever get easier?  It feels hard these days, and often I’m too tired to want to put in any effort.  Like I’m schlepping through wet cement.  I think this is a woman and mom thing more so….I mean for gawd’s sake, the kid needs constant care and attention, the dog is whining to get walked, everyone has to eat, people gotta have clean clothes, then it’s time to go night night, etc.  Plus I need to work out and try to do some shit for myself….and at the end of all that, sometimes I think to myself, “Husband you want to what?  You want to fuck me?  I have no energy left for that…”

And on that note, I’m taking my tired ass to bed.

Body After Baby

I’ve been dumbfounded at what has happened to my body after having my daughter.   No one prepares you for the shit that happens to you in the weeks and months after giving birth.  I hear everyone talk about enjoying the time with the baby!  And sleep when the baby sleeps!  But the reality is that you are not only dealing with a new role in your life, as a mother, you are also dealing with the very real physical changes that come along with motherhood.  Those that say that you’ll be back in your jeans in no time or that breastfeeding melts the pounds away – fuck you, you goddamn liars!

I feel the need to preface this for any men that may read this post.  If you have a significant other, and she hasn’t given birth yet, you may want to cruise on past this post.  A ‘read at your own risk’ kind of warning.  I’m going to describe things that are:  embarrassing, horrifying, ugly, and generally unpleasant.  This shit is frightening and I think my husband still hasn’t recovered from all the trauma yet.

My birth was pretty traumatic and to make a long story short, there were forceps involved.  I had had an epidural but I felt everything!  I was pretty much a wreck downstairs for several months postpartum.  I am pretty sure that I had some type of nerve damage from the forceps, because initially during sex I had a huge loss in sensation (some has since returned).  Honest to God, I had times during sex where I was tempted to ask my husband, “Is it in yet?” because I didn’t feel ANY. THING.  And this had nothing to do with the size of my husband’s junk.  Some positions were better than others, but overall it was a devastating feeling not to feel much of anything.  Even now, 15 months later, I still feel as though I have decreased sensation.  And it takes me much longer to physically be ready for sex.  All in all, sex has not been that enjoyable for me post-baby.

The return home with baby was memorable.  I had a 9 lb. baby and when I came home 2 days later, I only weighed 4 lbs. less.  You do the math on that one.  I was so swollen from all of the IV fluids that I’d had that it took weeks for me to lose any significant amount of weight.  The night we came home, I walked into the house and felt this warm sensation running down the inside of my thigh and down my leg.  I thought it might have been some type of bleeding, and went immediately to the bathroom.  It wasn’t blood….I had pissed my pants.  With zero warning or signal from my body!

It got better when a few days later, while wearing my sexy adult diaper and putting dishes in the dishwasher, I felt something down below and before I knew it, it was already too late.  I was crapping myself.  Again, no warning!  Nothing!  Not even an SOS that a code brown was coming!!!!  I remember whispering to my husband, who was next to me, “I am shitting my pants…” and he grabbed me by the elbow, and in a rush, tried to escort me to the bathroom.  I just shook my head and said quietly, “Just leave me here.”  The damage had already been done.  The moment of humiliation happened.  I cried so hard that night.  It’s so frustrating to feel like you have no control over your bodily functions!

I distinctly remember going for my first run after getting cleared at my 6 week check-up.  During my run I had full on pissed my pants.  Not just a tinkle.  Not just a little pee pee.  I had fucking soaked my pants.  I walked in the door, and the hubs excitedly asked how my run had went and I burst into tears!  It took several minutes to even get the words out to tell him what had happened.  It was that kind of ugly cry.

When I’m not dealing with physical issues from my birth battle wounds, there are the emotional ones that are just as tough.  The hubs and I had been talking about sex, and things that we like, and I bravely confessed that I’m sad he hasn’t gone down on me since before I was pregnant.  That’s like over 2 years!

He had explained, that with my issue with certain bodily functions, that he may get peed on during the deed.  That’s why he’d been hesitant to go down on me.  In his defense, I totally get his hesitation.  On Sunday, while our daughter was sleeping, we were in the middle of getting it on, and my husband started to do what I had missed for 2 years – he went down on me!

I wish I could tell you that I enjoyed it.  But I didn’t.  At all.  I was afraid to enjoy it.  I was afraid that I would indeed pee on him, even though the whole pissing myself thing rarely happens any longer.  I partially credit hoo-ha therapy (Yes!  I went to hoo-ha therapy…or pelvic floor therapy) and getting back into workout routine with the decrease.  I was afraid to climax because what if I did pee on him?  And then there was the whole thought process of what my vagina looks like after pushing out a  baby and tearing during the process…and well, yeah, Operation Downtown was a big fucking flop.

I sit here thinking, “Why are you writing all this embarrassing shit about yourself, Robin?  What’s the fucking point of all this?”  And honestly, maybe this will help someone.  This is stuff that I wished I had known about before becoming a mother.  So I wouldn’t feel so emotionally jarred when these things occurred.  Had I known, then I would have been able to tell myself, “Hey buddy girl, this is a part of the process.  This happens to other moms.” Instead of feeling alone.  And dysfunctional.  And abnormal.

What I have realized out of all of this is that I am grateful for my husband for helping me find my new normal.  And our new normal as a couple.  I’ve also realized the need to be compassionate with myself.  That it takes time for your body (and your mind) to recover from giving birth.  I look at my little pooch on my stomach, and I’m not embarrassed, but I think incredulously, “I grew my daughter in there!”  And there’s a strength that comes from having gone through this whole process.  I approach things differently, because if I can grow and birth a human being, what else can I do?  What else am I capable of?


Screw the Anger (Away)

As a relatively new mom, I’ve struggled with postpartum rage.  If I’m quite honest, it’s been a little lot disturbing to me how fast I can go from docile to raging beast mode (I clocked it…it’s like 2.13 seconds).  I’m sure it’s a combination of hormones, adjusting to parenthood, stress of current job/life situation.  It’s really been a perfect storm of sorts these days.  Most of this rage has been directed at my husband….maybe because he’s front and center in my life?  I dunno.  I’ve been struggling with a way to deal with it, but believe I may have finally found a solution.  Finally.  And I’m happy to report it’s a drug-free solution – one that is all natural!

My solution (queue the drum roll!):  screw the anger away.  Literally.  Banging my husband and having a big (or small) O helps immensely.  I was so excited to share this new revelation with him the other night.

Me:  Do you know how to make me less angry?  Screw me regularly.  Like pound me hard kind of sex.

Husband stares at me, blinking rapidly.

Me:  I’m being TOTALLY serious!  How can anyone be angry after a session like that?!?  

Husband laughs.

It’s a win-win right?  It will help me and our relationship at the same time!  It will bring us closer, and get back to some normalcy after the long road of pregnancy and caring for a newborn.

We put it into practice earlier this week and got it on 3 nights in a row!  And let me tell you, it’s certainly helped.  I’ve noticed that I’m much less angrier, nor do I get upset if the husband leaves his shit laying around.  For those of you who do it more regularly, that is like half the times we’ve done it since Vivi was born…10 months ago.  So 3 nights in a row is quite a feat for us these days!

I’m happy to report that one of those sessions left me with a bruise on the side of my ribs.  Kind of a warrior badge, if you will.  I will certainly take one for the team in order to help tame the angry beast within!