Category: Life

#election

On By lilbear083In DIY, LifeLeave a comment

My head is spinning

I’m confused

I’m disappointed

We used to be a nation that elected someone with a military background to know they’d been previously tested with acts of war. Someone with political background and connections with other countries to keep the peace in times of crisis.

We elected someone with neither of those traits whose own campaign won’t even allow him to go on twitter for his own good. God I hope he’s just going to be a Republican puppet.

But…

As someone who has had her pussy grabbed, been assaulted, been raped, and lived through it only to be blamed by others for the actions of “men”…

As someone who had to seek out a specialist to make sure my unborn kid didn’t have a fatal form of skeletal dysplasia and contemplate a “late term abortion” (a la 21 weeks) … and then fight insurance to make sure THAT appointment was even covered…

As someone who is about to deliver a child with a disability …

As a wife to an already mixed race man…

As mother to mixed race kids …

As a friend to those struggling as LGBTQ+ to be accepted for who they are…

As a woman…

As a United States citizen…

I’m fucking appalled by the choice that was made by HALF of my fellow citizens. HALF the people in America that voted (whether only for party lines or out of hate) said I don’t matter, my life doesn’t matter, my options don’t matter, my children don’t matter, my friends don’t matter.

My fucking father is becoming more and more of a bigoted, self-righteous, piece of fucking crap if y’all want my honest opinion, up until this past year I would defend my father to the fucking death… now, not so much, since he and his buddies are all white, elderly, elitist fucks along with the woman he cheated on my step-mother with and whom he is apparently now dating full-time… basically telling everyone that his guns and POTUS were reasons he voted for Trump. Awesome dad, your guns and the –possible- threat to them were more important than anything listed above, good to know. Never mind I have my own gun “collection” that I’m not the least bit worried about… Your superiority complex to anyone that isn’t white and over the age of 35 is more important than the option for your granddaughter to have not struggled for minutes outside the womb while doctors broke her ribs to relieve pressure only for her die moments later (this was the possible outcome if she had a fatal form of skeletal dysplasia), or for her to make her own choices later on in life regarding her own body.

I’m at a fucking loss for understanding. I was not and am not a Hillary supporter, I wanted Bernie, and was willing to settle for Johnson. But lesser of two evils!? I hope and pray that the families of the men who died in the Benghazi bullshit understand that they now mean more to our country than the following people (who are alive and terrified right now):

Women

Minorities

Muslims

Immigrants

Disabled

And the list goes on and on…

 

If you voted party lines, I hope you understand the amount of power you gave a weak and worthless human being. I hope it’s worth it to you when he does nothing to “better” the party or your life. I hope POTUS will stand for the constitution and not allow Trump to make changes that set us back 50 years, as if life in ND as a woman wasn’t already hard enough, trying to imagine this across the nation is, frankly, scary.

What I really want to scream is that I hope you experience all of the hate that Trump spewed out to everyone that isn’t you. I hope you get your pussy grabbed. I hope you feel you need to flee the country before feeling the full effect of the intolerance you helped your fellow man created. I hope you feel scared for no reason other than people don’t value you as a human being. I hope you are denied basic rights because of how you were born. But I can’t, not in good conscious, because I’ve experienced only a handful of those and I wouldn’t wish that fear and anxiety on my worst enemy let alone a stranger who (possibly – mindlessly) went along with party lines for fear of electing a Machiavellian President in the form of Hillary Clinton, because it was a debate for a hot second in my mind too. Until I realized that I was worth more than that, my friends, my family, those I love & care about, we’re worth more than a party line.

The only silver lining I can see is that at least our impending war won’t likely be with Russia as Trump is so busy kissing ass to a fellow dictator.

Regardless, I’m scared.

Ella

Big Fight Over Little Woman

On By ErinIn Can't Make This Shit Up, LifeLeave a comment

So my mother-in-law is here. Has been for over a week. I have no idea when she will be leaving and I’m about to lose my fucking mind.

First barrier…she speaks zero English and makes no attempt. At all.  I know enough Spanish and at least make an effort to communicate with her even if I have to bust out Google translate. Or play charades and look like a total fucking idiot. She doesn’t have to try apparently because she’s ’embarrassed’ she doesn’t understand or know English. Somehow that exempts her.

Second barrier…she is the one my husband caters to. Which I get to some degree, but for a marriage already struggling, this is not good.  I’m so fucking sick of being last and not having my feelings accounted for. It’s my house and my husband doesn’t seem to give two shits that I don’t feel like I have space in my own home.

Two examples: this Sunday I was looking for a cheese tray. An $8 cheese tray. It’s seemingly disappeared from our house. MIL saw it but after rearranging our fridge it’s no longer anywhere to be found. I can’t find a thing in my own kitchen because she puts everything away where she thinks it goes. She doesn’t bother to ask where it should go.  Why should it matter, just because it’s our house?!?  And then when I went to make breakfast she immediately started making something too. It was like Food Channel, but way more passive aggressive.  What in the actual fuck.

Third barrier…we don’t have any time for ourselves as a couple because she stays up and sits in the living room.  Wherever we are, there she is.  No fucking alone time whatsoever.

What the hubs doesn’t understand that I am not keen on having a virtual stranger in my home. We saw her a year ago and only because we traveled to her. Before that it was a year ago. This is only her second time even seeing V and she is almost 2. We’ve been married 8-1/2 years and this woman has made no attempt to get to know me. Her other daughter-in-laws?  She has them as contacts in her phone and speaks to them regularly. But not me. That part has been hurtful to me, and I feel as though I’m beyond attempting to be the one to make the effort or try.  I am done trying.  The kicker out of all this?  She typically has nothing to do with the hubs either except when he can do something for her, like fly her to see a different sibling.  Isn’t that nice?

Even now, I am sitting at our dining room table, while she is sitting by my husband, talking to him.  There’s no attempt to engage me in the conversation.  She can fuck off as far as I’m concerned.  I’d be counting the days until she leaves…but I don’t have any clue when she is fucking leaving.

I sincerely apologize for the amount of fucks in this post.  It’s either that, or lose my shit.  Although I may have already lost my shit.

Holy Exhaustion

On By ErinIn LifeLeave a comment

From the lack of sleep the past few nights, the recent travel and stress in general are creeping up on me, this morning I had two episodes that were a little concerning to me. 

The first was making coffee.   We have a little one cup brewer. I got the grounds set, put my cup underneath and pressed the power button. It lit up for a few seconds and then turned off. I tried again. Same thing. I even tried unplugging it from one outlet and into another. Same thing. By this time I was frustrated, said “fuck it!” And went upstairs to take a shower. Even told the hubs that the coffee machine was broken. 
After he left for gym I went back and looked again. It suddenly dawned on me to check if I had put water in the machine. I flipped the top up and there was no water. No wonder it wasn’t working!  

The second episode occurred when I was dropping my daughter off at school. You have to enter a 4 digit pin to mark them as dropped off, which are the last four digits of my phone. I kept pressing in the digits and it kept telling me “invalid code”. I did this like 4 times with the same result. I  had to move to the side and say my phone number to myself before I realized I had transposed two of the digits. What the fuck is going on with me?!?

Texted the husband, who called me to assure me I was just tired and not having a stroke. Because he knows how I am. 

There is not enough coffee in the world that could fix this. 

Finding Your Tribe

On By ErinIn Life, RelationshipsLeave a comment

How many of you feel that you have found your tribe?  Like your group of peeps that are “ride or die bitches” as my one girlfriend says.  The ones that you know will be there not just for the good, but also for the shitty, messy, ugly parts of life?

If you answered yes, I have this to say to you:  I’m jealous and be grateful.  Since moving to Hotlanta, I lost my (local) tribe.  I had a terrific group of close girlfriends in LA.  Ones that I could call on a moment’s notice and go over to their house if something was happening with me.  Since becoming a mom, I’ve really struggled to find a new tribe that I identify with.

Case in point – this weekend I went with 3 other acquaintances to Bad Moms.  The movie was fantastic and hysterical at times, but there were parts of it that made me really emotional, thinking about my daughter, and I was tearing up/crying.  Because in the movie, the lead character finds her tribe of weird mom friends.  Genuine friends that care about her!  The message really hit me.  I cried.  A lot.

Not one of them asked me if I was OK during or after the movie. Not one of them said a fucking word about my tears.  None of them cried.  During the movie credits, the actresses were filmed chatting with their own moms, and I cried even more.  That part hit me especially hard because of my shitty (non-existent) relationship with my own mom.  I couldn’t wait to leave to get away from them and be with my family.  I cried the entire drive home, thinking to myself, “None of these women are your real friends.  Not a single fucking one of them.”  Superficial.  They are what I like to call good time friends.  You see them when it’s a good time….but when it gets rough, they scatter and are nowhere to be found.

If I’m going to spend time away from my daughter and my husband, I want it to be with quality people.  People that want to know what is honestly going on with me.  People who want the real story of my life.  Not the glossy, positive only Facebook type picture of my life.  Because that shit ain’t real.  And I don’t have time for people in my life who are fake.

For those of you that have found your tribe, how’d you do it?  Especially you moms…how did you find a good group of women that help to support and love you?  I need any advice or suggestions you may have.

Mean Girls

On By ErinIn Can't Make This Shit Up, LifeLeave a comment

Last night, we were at a friend’s house watching the opening ceremony of the Olympics.  The usual group of suspects.  As we were watching the parade of nations, we happened to keep noticing people in the march that didn’t look like athletes.  They typically were older, not as an in shape as an Olympic athlete would be.  One of my girlfriends had said, “Who are these people?”  But her commentary didn’t stop there.

She went on to say she didn’t know fat people could participate in the Olympics.  Then she looked right at me and said, “Robin, who knew?!?  Someone should have told us that you could be fat and be in the Olympics!  We may have been Olympians.”

Fuck you.  Fuck you so much.  I wanted to cry at her comment but somehow managed not to.  I was, however, stunned enough, not to utter a single reply in return.  I simply stared at her in disbelief that those words had just come out of her mouth.

Why do girls have to make such mean comments to each other?  Admittedly, I know that I am overweight, but for fuck’s sake, do you have to straight out call me fat to my face?   And in front of a big group of people?  Hearing those words really stung.

I have struggled with my weight for my entire adult life.  I don’t need someone to remind me that I’m overweight.  I don’t need someone to put me down.  I’ve had a lifetime of dealing with family that have put me down and made fun of me for my weight.  I don’t want or need to be “included” in someone’s insults or putdowns because they don’t feel good about themselves.  Hell, most days I don’t feel that great about myself, but I sure as shit don’t go around calling myself fat.   That helps nothing and no one.  Ugh, I’m still so upset about it today that I could cry again.

I don’t believe she was trying to be intentionally malicious.  I really don’t.  I do think she was trying to do a whole sister solidarity thing by lumping us together in the fat girl camp, but what she doesn’t realize is that she lost a friend last night.

And one last time, I want to say to her (if only in my head) , “Fuck you for hurting my feelings.”

The Forever Struggle?

On By ErinIn Exercise, LifeLeave a comment

I’ve been up since 5am with the kiddo and instead of just walking the dog I decided to get in a run. Running has been a wonderful stress and anxiety reducer so I’m not sure why I’ve been avoiding it?  Since my half in April, I’ve done a handful of runs.  That’s it.  I am continually amazed at how my body responds. Like “Oh yeah I remember this…it feels good!”  My pace for the run today was 12:34, which is great considering how little I’ve ran in the past 4 months.

With all the health stuff that had been going on (read about it here) I’ve managed to emotionally eat my way into gaining 10 lbs. in about 8 weeks. I was on the scale last night and it said 200 and I could have sobbed. (I gave the scale the middle finger.)  I was down to 188 not that long ago. I am so disappointed in myself.  And I wondered if this is something that I will forever struggle with?  I mean, c’mon, I’m gonna be 39 at my next birthday.  Will I always have issues with food?  Will that always be my ‘go to’ in times of stress and anxiety?  It’s depressing to think this might be a lifelong struggle.  Especially when I look at the face of my daughter, who at 19 months, is starting to imitate every single thing I do.  This is not something I wish for her to inherit.  My sense of humor?  Absolutely.  My ability to learn things quickly?  Yes, I’d love if she has that same ability.  My penchant for emotional eating and being overweight?  Not a fucking chance.

What I’m struggling with is how do I make this a lasting change?  How can I really start to cut new grooves in my brain and react differently?  I’d researched google and the interwebs but the advice is very simplistic.  Drink a glass of water before your meals.  Eat on a smaller plate.  It ain’t that people – my problem has nothing to do with food!  It’s all about the emotional aspect.  Trying to figure out how to comfort yourself in the moment without food.  A friend and I were chatting about this the other day…it’s this overwhelming need to consume anything, everything…mostly in an attempt to cover up whatever uncomfortable feelings are happening.  When I think about that thought, let it really sink in, it makes me sad.  Food has been the thing, in my mind, that has always been there for me.  Not family.  I have a few close friends that have been there for me, sure, but I always try to limit how much I share/tell/admit what I’m going through.  In the back of my mind, I tend to think that if they hear/know too much, they will no longer want to be my friend.

And all this brings me back around to the bigger picture.  That I don’t want to repeat this cycle for my daughter.  That even if I get knocked down or off-track, the most important thing is that I keep getting back up.  Keep trying new approaches.  Keep trying something different.  Because eventually what is new now will eventually become a habit right?   At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

Whatever you may be struggling with, I hope you too, have the courage to keep trying.  To keep running.  To keep going.

Do You Even See Me?

On By ErinIn Can't Make This Shit Up, Life, RelationshipsLeave a comment

I’m sitting here, it’s barely 8AM, and I’ve been awake for over 4 hours already.  Our kiddo has been having frequent wake ups, which I attribute to our turn and burn Seattle trip.  And I am fucking exhausted.  Her last wakeup at 3:45AM the husband got up to soothe her, but after about 30 minutes of her crying for momma and boo boo, he relented and she came running into our bedroom.  And yet, in a middle of the night parenting conversation, tells me he doesn’t want her to be nursing all the time.  Um, OK.  You let her come nurse because you couldn’t get her back to sleep…so do you not want her to nurse at all, or only when it’s convenient for you?  Do you even see my exhaustion?  Do you even see that I’m completely out of gas?

I’m the kind of exhausted where you feel drunk without the alcohol induced euphoria.  Everything feels woozy.  I feel sick to my stomach.  I tried to get her back to sleep around 5:30, when the hubs left for the gym, but she only slept for about 45 minutes.  Momma did not sleep.  Laid in bed with that tired wired feeling where you are too amped up to get any shut eye.

The day trudges on and gives zero fucks about my tiredness.  I discovered yesterday that our dog has blood in his piss, so I have a vet appointment at 9AM.  At 1PM, I have a 2 hour appointment for paperwork and other stuff related to my new job.  Dinner needs to get made because the toddler probably wants to eat.  The house really needs to be cleaned but that ain’t happening anytime soon.  I’m trying to find backup childcare for V because my husband told me 2 days ago that he plans to head to the Netherlands next week for work.  Monday night.  Thanks for leaving me alone for my first week on a new job.  I want to find someone in case she is sick or needs to come home from daycare, because I do not want to have to leave early during the day from my new job.  I want to scream at him, “Do you even realize all that I’ll have to do on my own while you are halfway around the fucking world?!?”  The answer, of course, is no.

He doesn’t see that I’ve quit asking for a date night, because I’m tired of telling him that it’s important that we have 1-1 time together for our relationship.  He doesn’t see that I’ve quit asking to go to couples therapy because it obviously isn’t a priority for him.  He doesn’t even see that I’ve stopped asking to have weekly discussions on finances and parenting because I’m the only one to initiate and I’m sick of bringing it up.  He doesn’t see that I have no energy or desire to fuck him at all.  He doesn’t see how tired I am of asking and asking for him to help me with things around the house that I’ve decided it’s a waste of my breath and precious energy.  He doesn’t see the imposition he puts upon me when he decides last minute to travel for business.  He doesn’t see all that I do.  Nor does he appreciate it either.  He doesn’t see that not only am I running on fumes, that our relationship is running on fumes too.

He doesn’t even see.  He doesn’t even see me.  At all.

Mixed Reviews

On By ErinIn Kidlets, Life, Relationships, SexLeave a comment

Sharing a few updates…some positive, some meh.  Let me set the stage for you on the marital bliss front tonight:  I’m on our deck, paying bills and enjoying watching the storm approach, while the hubs is couch surfing, on his phone (as per usual) while the TV drones on and on in the background.  I think he’s barely said 10 words to me since he got home at 7PM.  I’m trying not to take it personally…he’s had a long day and I’m guessing he wanted to unwind in peace.  It’s ok honey, let me cook dinner and clean up, get the toddler ready for bed and walk the dog.  You just sit there!!!!!

The good update – I’m no longer jobless!  YAY!!!!  I start my new gig next Monday the 18th.  It was a long process…I had interviewed last month (6/10) and am only starting now.  Offer negotiation, drug screening, pre-employment health screening and then finally orientation!  I’m really excited about the new role, as I’m doing business intelligence work in a clinical/healthcare environment.  This is a new area to me, but am SO geeked that I will be learning about it.  I’m going to get certified in EPIC, which is the electronic health record most hospitals and healthcare organizations use, so I figure this is my insurance for being able to get a job anywhere.  Anytime.

I’m a little nervous about starting back to work, because, well, it’s been 6 fucking months since I worked.  6 months!  My friend said it seemed like yesterday….and I wish I had felt that way.  This time has really dragged on for me and has been fraught with worry, so I’m happy to get back to some type of regular routine. And paycheck.  Fer real on the paycheck.

Which brings up a not so great update.  I filed for unemployment in early June, and have yet to receive a determination.  How incredibly shitty is that?  I mean, I’m thankful that we weren’t (and aren’t) living paycheck to paycheck, but for fuck’s sake, how would anyone survive having to wait over a month to know if you’ve been approved or not?!?  It is not something that anyone could even rely on and that’s a sad fact.  Much about our country seems sad these days.

Our Seattle trip was overall good.  We had a huge fight on the trail to Poo Poo Point.  And I’m seriously not shitting you on that name.  (See what I did there?!? Ha!!!!)  It is totally legit and I think it’s fabulous that our family hiked that trail.  Mind you, we did not make it to the top of Poo Poo Point.  You could say we had a blowout of sorts.  Husband had told me we were gonna hike for “an hour or so” and after 2 solid hours of hiking, I discover we have a scant amount of food for our toddler.  Who was scream crying for more food.  I became the bad guy for wanting to turn around and not try to make it to the summit because our daughter was hungry.  We resolved our fight on the way back, and I’m glad that we did.  I’d also call it progress for me because I didn’t really give a shit in that moment if I was the bad guy.  And usually I acquiesce if I’m feeling like the bad guy.

And our relationship has been kind of meh these days.  I go back and forth with how I’m feeling.  For those of you that have been married longer (we are going on 8+ years) do you often feel this way too?  I wonder if we’re going through a difficult season, or if something has fundamentally shifted in our relationship?  I know that having our daughter was a huge adjustment (and we’re still adjusting) but does it ever get easier?  It feels hard these days, and often I’m too tired to want to put in any effort.  Like I’m schlepping through wet cement.  I think this is a woman and mom thing more so….I mean for gawd’s sake, the kid needs constant care and attention, the dog is whining to get walked, everyone has to eat, people gotta have clean clothes, then it’s time to go night night, etc.  Plus I need to work out and try to do some shit for myself….and at the end of all that, sometimes I think to myself, “Husband you want to what?  You want to fuck me?  I have no energy left for that…”

And on that note, I’m taking my tired ass to bed.

Toddler Travels

On By ErinIn Kidlets, LifeLeave a comment

We were headed to Seattle to visit some family but the hubs had a last minute business trip. Which meant I was flying cross country with a toddler and no one to tap out to. I was more than a little bit afraid of how the day would go. 

I have often told my husband that I’m exhausted before we even start vacation and here’s why. Not only do I have to pack myself, the kiddo and the dog (for doggie daycare) but I also have to schlep all the goddamn kid gear too. Diapers? Check. Diaper bag with snacks, extra outfit and activities?  Check. Car seat? Check. Medicines?  Check check check. I had my purse, 3 bags, a car seat AND my kiddo to haul. Moms are fucking Sherpas dude. Total ass kicking pack mules.  If you see a mom at the airport with a shitton of stuff in tow, tell her she’s doing an awesome job. Better yet buy her a coffee because you know that momma is tired. 

Bless the lovely lady at the park and ride this morning because she wouldn’t let me put anything in or take anything out. She hauled it for me. At the airport she even put my backpack on me because I had the kid in a wrap. I cannot tell you how touched I was by her kindness. 

We paid extra money for TSA pre-check  to ensure a faster way through security. Not. Why are the TSA dicks?  I had to submit to a pat down in order to keep my two sealed Horizon organic milks for my kid. Take off shoes, take her out of carrier etc. As the TSA agent went through the rest of my bag she confiscated a tube of toddler sunblock because it was 1 ounce over the “limit”.  Told me I could take it back and check it or she’d have to throw it out. I told her “You know I can’t go check it because my bag is already gone.”  She shrugged her shoulders as she tossed it in the garbage. I thanked her for making the world safer from Babyganics sunblock. Get real people…it’s shit like this that give those assholes their terrible reputation!

V did great on the 5 hour flight!  So good that I was a little shocked. It’s different now with her being a toddler. She plays independently at times so as she sat in her seat reading her book I was able to play a few rounds of solitaire. It was a “holy shit I’m kind of relaxing” moment. She did make up for it by flailing and crying for the last 10 minutes of the flight. Up until this point I’d been afraid to travel solo with the kid but after this experience we can be a dynamic traveling duo. And I won’t be (as) tired next time because some kind stranger is going to see me hauling ass and buy me a coffee.