My Brain is Broken

So I’ve read a lot about the power of positive thinking. I’m sure you’ve heard such catch phrases as “change your thinking, change your life!” and “your thoughts determine your destiny”.  But for the life of me my default is worst case scenario.  I’m trying to change that, I really am….but it ain’t easy.

For example, I was impacted at my job, so I’m looking for work right now.  Even though I was given 3 months of severance, this is the thought process that went through my head. Keep in mind that I did the calculations on this, and with my husband working full-time, that money should be able to last/stretch us for at least 6 months….without tapping into our savings.  What if I don’t find a job right away?  What if no one wants to hire me?  What if I can’t find work?  What if we run out of money?  What if we can’t pay the mortgage?  What if we have to move?   What if we lose our cars, our house?  OMG WE’RE GONNA BE BANKRUPT, HOMELESS, AND IN FINANCIAL RUIN BECAUSE OF ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another recent example.  I’m sure you’ve all heard or read something about the Zika virus by now.  Since the hubs works for an airline, we have travel benefits, and he’s mentioned wanting to go to South America (particularly Brazil, Chile, Peru areas), Latin America (Mexico, Costa Rica, etc.)…and I believe all of the countries I’ve mentioned have had Zika outbreaks.  I get that this impacts pregnant women only.  Am I pregnant?  No.  Are we actively trying to get pregnant?  Fuck no!  But where did my brain go?  WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WHEN I GET PREGNANT WITH A ZIKA BABY?

In both instances I was legit terrified for a bit.  (or awhile.)  My brain spins out of control, thinking about all of the “what if” situations until I am a nervous, anxious frenzied hot mess.  My husband doesn’t understand it at all, and it’s completely frustrating to him.  Well guess what buddy?  It’s completely frustrating to me too!  It’s no fun to feel completely paralyzed by something that will probably never happen but in your mind, you’ve envisioned it happening so clearly, how can it not come to pass?  This is a daily struggle for me.  I’m trying to reign it in.

I’ve been exercising regularly, as an outlet.  I’m also getting back to writing/blogging/journaling.  I’ve also started doing meditation.  Ok, I’ve half-assed the meditation bit. I have a guided medication app on my phone called “Breathe” and it’s been at least two weeks since I’ve used it.  And the meditations are short, between like 3-5 minutes, so I have zero excuse not to do it daily.  And from what I’ve read, daily meditation might be my miracle cure.

For those of you anxious worriers out there like me, how do you turn off the stream of “what ifs” in your life?  How do you quiet the noise?   What techniques have worked for you?  This worrier needs your advice.  BRB – going to meditate so I can change my thinking and change my life (because I need a job goddamnit!).

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