Holy Shit Balls, I Survived 13.1 Miles!

I did it!  I fucking did it!  I joined the Dark Side…errr….I mean I completed the Disney Dark Side Half Marathon!!!!!!!   I ran a half marathon!!!!!!  Check that shit off the bucket list.

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Pre-race nervous smile

I was nervous in the days and hours leading up to the race, since it was going to be very early in the morning, and the weather was going to be warmer than what I typically ran in.  Was I going to have to take a pre-race shit?  Or even worse, a during the race shit?  I was concerned about refueling and water and how often I should do them.  I had practiced on my training runs, but I still didn’t feel supremely confident that I’d pick the right time to tank up.  Maybe I’d wait too long and have my energy just circle down the drain, never to be recovered.  Or I’d not wait long enough, and then be waterlogged or dealing with side stitches during the race.  How long was it going to take me to finish?  Would I even finish?  I had NO idea what to expect.

I have to say, I surprised myself.  The longest training run I’d done was 10 miles, so not the full race distance.  As the time and the miles dragged on, I was expecting to have moments of “What the fuck was I thinking?” or “I can’t do it!” or “I won’t be able to finish!” or “This was another ‘bright’ idea!!!!” <insert sarcasm here>.

That never came.  I was so shocked that I didn’t have all this negative self-talk.  Instead, it was positive and encouraging!  Shocker right?  I kept saying to myself, “You’ve trained for this.  You can do this!”  And I could.  And I did.

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My race bling

When I saw the finish line, I was expecting to well up with tears and start bawling.  That didn’t happen either.  It took me 3 hours and 13 minutes.  I was hoping to get done in 3 hours, but in reality, I’m just thrilled I was able to finish.  I felt so elated and ecstatic that I set this big goal for myself, methodically approached it, and then I ran off and did it!  I fucking did it!

Watch out world.  Who knows what is next for me.

Avoiding Self-Sabotage (Don’t ask me…still working on it)

How do you not sabotage yourself?  How do you nix it or nip it in the bud once and for all?  I’ve been so frustrated with myself today, but at the same time, am trying to have compassion for myself, as I’m trying to unlearn some bad habits.

Growing up, I was the one that my mom and sisters compared themselves against.  I was the fat yardstick – they felt better about themselves when they weighed less than me.  Or their waist was smaller than mine.  I distinctly remember them being giddy with excitement after they saw what I weighed compared to them.  I never realized until I was an adult what a terrible fucking awful and shitty thing that is to do to someone.  To make me be the “fat one”.  The “less than” one.  (Or more than in this instance.)  Just so they could feel better about themselves.

I’ve had a lifetime of feeling like I don’t measure up to others, that somehow there is something wrong with me.  And from that train of thought comes the all or nothing thinking when I’m having a bad day.  It goes something like this, “Well, let’s just plow through the entire bag of peanut butter chocolate puppy chow mix, since you’ve had half the bag already.”  So I eat until I am sick.  And numb.

I’ve realized it is the numb part that I’m seeking during these times.  The place where I’m beyond any kind of feeling.  Usually something uncomfortable.  And when I unpack it in my logical brain, it all makes sense.  I’ve been without any kind of schedule for 3 weeks now.  My last day at work was 2/5, and I’m floundering with the lack of routine or regular people interaction that came from my job.  I’ve been trying to fill in the gaps with lunch dates with friends, exercise, networking, applying for jobs, etc. but it’s just not the same.  And I’m nervous about finding a new job.

It’s not all hopeless, as I do see progress in my journey.  I used to go on huge emotional eating binges for days, and the episodes have become less and less throughout the years.  I’m more hypersensitive to my habits especially now because of my daughter.  I don’t want to burden her with my baggage.  Life is hard enough without adding your mother’s shit on top of everything else.  I wish I knew the magic formula to turn it off.

How do you cope in times of uncertainty?  What are your go-to strategies?  What helps you not to numb out when you are scared/afraid/etc.?

Overachieving badass

No really, my ass is terrible. Also, the worst set up in the world is what I went with when I brought my treadmill home. I wanted it in my bedroom so I could be close if baby woke up AND so I would have to stare at it getting in my way EVERY. DAMN. DAY. Which is working out great. I’m on a tues/thurs/sat running schedule with mon/wed/fri for cross training and Sunday for weights (those are downstairs where I rarely hangout).

The ass part comes in with the fact that while I’m on the treadmill I have a dresser with a large mirror to my left and a full length mirror directly in front of me. I thought ahead about the full length mirror because I wanted to watch my stride… I did not, however, think of the mirror to my left…

When I look to my left all I can see is my big ‘ole ass bouncing around back there… it ain’t pretty folks… I don’t care how much my husband loves “dat ass”… It’s just bad… thus… bad-ass… I don’t care about my chicken wings, double chin, muffin top, giant belly, thighs that could light a fire… it’s my ass that bugs me. That bad damn ass…

On the overachieving side of things: training is rough. I’m struggling with keeping the “right” pace for training and constantly feel like I should be going faster. That I’m not working hard enough, even though my legs feel like they might snap underneath me. My hip hurts. I feel like I can breathe through the running so I know it’s not my endurance, but it is, if that makes any sense. But this all goes back to my childhood and feeling like I’m not enough, not doing enough, not good enough, etc.

(Physical) Therapy has gone well so far, have some new abdomen routines to work with to keep my core from falling apart essentially. Yay for baby while being incredibly overweight (not true). My left leg is indeed longer than my right but not enough to warrant any kind of “special” or “orthopedic work ups”. Although the physical therapist did say to see how I feel after running for an extended period of time, we shall see what happens in that area.

My first training timed interval run I did an 18:31 pace (per Robin’s awesome math skills) so as of right now I would be carted off the runDisney course for being too slow… let’s improve that number shall we?

So that’s where I am at right now. Will be doing my first “long” run in training this weekend. Wish me luck.

Ella

Exciting, yet Scary Times Ahead

I’ve been told my job has been impacted.  Translation:  Yer fired!  My last day with my current company will be 2/29/2016, which will be here before you know it.  I hate to admit this, but I’ve gotten really comfortable at my cushy, six-figure corporate job.  And now that the reality is starting to sink in, what kind of income loss that will be for our family, I’m starting to freak the fuck out.

What if I can’t find a job right away?  What if I can’t find anything even close to what I’m making now?  What if no one wants to hire me?  What if I bring financial ruin upon our family?  These are just some of the questions that have been flitting in out and of my thoughts these days.  I keep trying to reassure myself that things WILL be OK.  I truly believe shit does happen for a reason.

In terms of what I’m going to do in the future, I’ve stumbled upon two awesome opportunities that leave me feeling, dare I say, hopeful.  The first one is more short-term, but one that both my husband and I are really excited about.  We will be hosting 2 exchange students from Brazil from 11/8 – 12/5.  These are adult students (age 18-35) that are learning English.  I will have to take them to / from class, and thank gawd I have the flexibility with my current job to be able to do that for them.  The coolest part?  Having our daughter be around people from different countries AND building an international “family” of sorts.

The second opportunity is a continuing education class on big data / data analytics.  The job I’m currently in has really strayed from what I’ve done (and enjoyed doing).  As a result, I feel like I’ve lost some valuable brain cells by being in a role that has been less than challenging.  I’m thrilled to get back to something that I really enjoy doing, working with data, and putting it to use in a new-ish career field.  It really is thrilling to see that there is such a need for this AND these types of jobs command exceptional salaries.  More than anything though, I want something with some flexibility.  This would provide that.

The part that freaks me out is that the program costs almost $4k.  That’s a lot of money for a certificate program, but I’m hoping it will payoff in the end.  The other scary thing about this is the thought “Have I got what it takes to do this?”  The program is 10 Saturdays, which involve all-day sessions (from 8:30-5).  That’s quite a commitment my friends.  And it’s a lot of technical information that will be thrown at us in a short amount of time.  I’m so nervous, but at the same time, cannot wait for the opportunity to dig into something meaty again.  Challenge myself.  Try something new.  Learn.  Grow.  Carve a new path for myself.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m so thankful for this current job.  It’s provided some awesome opportunities for me and my family.  I’ve had a ton of flexibility.  I was able to take 3 months off after having Vivi.  I’m truly lucky, I do realize this.

I feel like the timing of all this (exchange students, program, job ending) is all very serendipitous and that the universe is really looking out for me.  It’s gently telling me, “Hey Robin, it’s time for a course change…time to direct you to your next awesome opportunity.”  I stand tall, hyperventilating from nervousness and excitement about what the future holds for me.