How do you not sabotage yourself? How do you nix it or nip it in the bud once and for all? I’ve been so frustrated with myself today, but at the same time, am trying to have compassion for myself, as I’m trying to unlearn some bad habits.
Growing up, I was the one that my mom and sisters compared themselves against. I was the fat yardstick – they felt better about themselves when they weighed less than me. Or their waist was smaller than mine. I distinctly remember them being giddy with excitement after they saw what I weighed compared to them. I never realized until I was an adult what a terrible fucking awful and shitty thing that is to do to someone. To make me be the “fat one”. The “less than” one. (Or more than in this instance.) Just so they could feel better about themselves.
I’ve had a lifetime of feeling like I don’t measure up to others, that somehow there is something wrong with me. And from that train of thought comes the all or nothing thinking when I’m having a bad day. It goes something like this, “Well, let’s just plow through the entire bag of peanut butter chocolate puppy chow mix, since you’ve had half the bag already.” So I eat until I am sick. And numb.
I’ve realized it is the numb part that I’m seeking during these times. The place where I’m beyond any kind of feeling. Usually something uncomfortable. And when I unpack it in my logical brain, it all makes sense. I’ve been without any kind of schedule for 3 weeks now. My last day at work was 2/5, and I’m floundering with the lack of routine or regular people interaction that came from my job. I’ve been trying to fill in the gaps with lunch dates with friends, exercise, networking, applying for jobs, etc. but it’s just not the same. And I’m nervous about finding a new job.
It’s not all hopeless, as I do see progress in my journey. I used to go on huge emotional eating binges for days, and the episodes have become less and less throughout the years. I’m more hypersensitive to my habits especially now because of my daughter. I don’t want to burden her with my baggage. Life is hard enough without adding your mother’s shit on top of everything else. I wish I knew the magic formula to turn it off.
How do you cope in times of uncertainty? What are your go-to strategies? What helps you not to numb out when you are scared/afraid/etc.?