Motherhood is Fucking Lonely Sometimes

I am sitting on the couch, alone, surveying my disaster of a living room, taking a moment after putting the baby down to bed.  Eating popchips like a mad woman.  Watching episodes of Law & Order SVU because I can’t get enough of that show.

The husband is a 4 hour flight away at a funeral and I’ve been dealing with a kiddo with an ear infection since Tuesday night.  A single ear infection turned into a double ear infection.  Add to that an allergic reaction to the antibiotics we were given.  This week has sucked.  * Sigh *

Did I mention my husband was away?  I wish that the dog could somehow help me out or babysit for a few hours to give me a break, but no such luck.  Husband won’t be back until tomorrow, but he’s taking the red eye, but I don’t know how much “help” he will be when he does get home.

I love my daughter, and being a mom, but sometimes I think about my old, pre-baby life with longing.  And I get a little sad.  Because I miss some of the close friendships that I could more easily maintain pre-baby….and I feel like they’ve gotten left by the wayside.  Overrun by shitty diapers, double ear infections, dinner time, nursing, walking the dog, laundry, bath time, putting the baby to bed…the endless list of to-do’s on my plate these days.  When I do get a moment, I just want to sit in silence.  By myself.  Without anyone needing or wanting me.

I realize the irony in that last statement…how can I feel lonely when I’m almost never alone?  But I am lonely.  For some real friendships.  For my mom tribe.  For someone to tell me, “You are gonna get through this”, whatever this happens to be, knowing that they’ve walked in my shoes and can speak from experience.

My only close mom friends live far away….and it fucking sucks.  I have made a few friends here, but one of the friends I have is the “cherish every moment!” kind of mom and that shit just ain’t real.  Being real to me is admitting that some days you want to run away.  Some days you want to scream at your husband that the next time he leaves his socks laying around you are going to put them all together in a pile and burn them.  Real is not losing your shit on the dog, even though you really want to, when he shits in the house because you were too busy tending to your sick kid to take him for his normal walk.

 

No one told me that this mom business would have these kind of moments.  Such worry.  Such anxiety.  Such frustration.  Such loneliness.  I’m probably talking to no one right now.  * Sigh *

I think I’m going to bed.  Alone.

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