Contemplating My Life, My Legacy

So a Facebook acquaintance, one that I met through a mutual friend while in LA, is dying of liver cancer at 30-some years old.  DYING.  He’s younger than me.  30-something fucking years YOUNG.  He’s recently been told by the doctors that there’s nothing more they can do.  And all of the posts I’ve seen about his situation have me thinking about my own life.  My own legacy.

What if I died suddenly?  What would my daughter remember of me?  My friends?  Family?  Have I accomplished leaving a legacy in case I don’t wake up tomorrow?  Am I currently living my best life right now?  All these thought provoking questions.

I tried talking about it to the hubs tonight, and I started crying, thinking about the whole “what if I died tomorrow?” topic.  He talked about years ago in therapy he wrote his own obituary, and then I lost him to Game of Thrones.  I’m more than a little annoyed by that.  I think he knew, because he offered to watch it tomorrow, but by the time he offered, the moment had passed.  He’d made his choice to watch the show.

I’m still here thinking…am I OK with my life as it is right now?  And the answer is glaringly, obviously NO.   Fuck NO.

I put everyone else first in my life.  I had a moment earlier today where the hubs kicked me out to go get a pedicure, but the place wasn’t going to open for another hour, and I sat in my car and thought, “Now what?”  I didn’t want to shop, I didn’t want to do anything that resembled spending a ton of money without having a job yet, so I drove back home and took a nap while he napped with our kiddo.  I couldn’t even think of anything else nice to do for myself….and then I thought how awful is that?!  That led to thinking what has become of me?

I really want to make some concrete changes in my life.  Starting with putting myself first.  Do I exactly know how to do that yet?  No, but I know that involves small steps, like eating a diet with fruits, veggies and wholesome food to power me through the day.  It involves daily exercise to help manage my anxiety levels and give me a physical outlet.  It involves doing at least one thing EVERY GODDAMN DAY that I ENJOY doing (i.e. reading, crocheting, taking a bath, blogging, or other hobbies…) even if it’s just for like 5 minutes after the kid goes to bed.  It involves maintaining connections (and making new ones!) with people that love and support me on this journey through life.  It involves loving myself, first and foremost, and knowing that I am worthy of good care.  Of good attention.  Of a good life.

With all of this deep thinking, I had a very sad realization on my walk this evening.  I realized that for most of my life, I’ve been so desperate for someone to love me that I’ve asked nothing in return.  I have always equated having needs as being synonymous with being needy so I’ve never demanded much from a partner.  Now or historically.  Because the fear is if I ask for too much, or have too many needs, that they will leave me.

I’m done with that shit.  I don’t want to live my life being afraid to take up too much space.  I’ve made up my mind that I’m going to start living my days more fully.  More completely.  I’m done living a shell of a life because tomorrow is not promised to anyone and goddamnit, I want to make this a good go around. Something memorable.

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