Tomorrow I go for my biopsy consult.  After comparing this mammogram to the last, there is enough abnormality in the lump that further action is required.  There is a classification system used by radiologists called BIRADS and it has a value from 0 to 6.  My lump was classified a 4, which means ‘suspicious’.  There is a 20% – 35% predictive probability that the lump is cancer.  From what I read, when a radiologist gives a rating of 4, they are usually 80% sure it’s cancer.

I’m scared about tomorrow.  And the biopsy that will follow.  And getting the results.  I’m scared to think I may have breast cancer.  The husband is going with me tomorrow.  I’m anxious too.  I want to get the biopsy done ASAP, because it will take at least a week to get the pathology report back, telling me whether or not this is cancerous.

This waiting period sucks.  It fucking sucks.  I have so many heavy things going on in my life right now.  This is one.  Working on our marriage is another.  Hearing from friends whose marriage seems to be crumbling is yet another.  Looking for a new job (hope to have a positive update on this soon!).  Dealing with anxiety and depression.  There is a part of me that thinks to myself, “Goddamn the hits just keep coming!” I’m hoping that this really is  just a difficult season and that things will lighten up soon for me.  For our family.

Throughout all of this, I’ve been trying to be very kind to myself.  I’ve been emotionally eating like no one’s business and I’ve gained back a few pounds that I had previously lost.  Although I’m not thrilled with my actions, I realize that it’s a coping mechanism for me right now.  It’s not the best one, but it’s really not the worst thing I could be doing at the moment.  If I were to follow in family footsteps, I could be drinking or drugging my worries into oblivion.  Yet I’m not.

The silver lining?  I’m still doing plenty of positive things.  Exercising every day.  Meditating most days.  Regularly writing down things I’m grateful for.  Going to therapy.  Getting good sleep.  Asking for support from friends.  Enjoying quiet moments with my family.  Getting past my procrastination to finally get a will done since we are like 18 months overdue on that shit.

The other positive thing?  I listened to my intuition to get this checked out.  I felt the lump and made an appointment ASAP.  My husband couldn’t feel it, my doctor didn’t feel it.  My doctor didn’t think it was anything but sent me for diagnostic testing anyway.  And I’m thankful for that.

There is a quote I found recently while browsing Pinterest that helps give me perspective when I start freaking out or thinking dark thoughts.  I’m not sure who said it, but I love it and think that it’s applicable for so many things in life.

“Everything heals.  Your body heals.  Your heart heals.  The mind heals.  Wounds heal.  The soul repairs itself.  Your happiness is always going to come back.  Bad times don’t last.”

I hope those words resonate with you as much as they do me.  They give me hope and help me to remember that nothing is forever.