The Forever Struggle?

I’ve been up since 5am with the kiddo and instead of just walking the dog I decided to get in a run. Running has been a wonderful stress and anxiety reducer so I’m not sure why I’ve been avoiding it?  Since my half in April, I’ve done a handful of runs.  That’s it.  I am continually amazed at how my body responds. Like “Oh yeah I remember this…it feels good!”  My pace for the run today was 12:34, which is great considering how little I’ve ran in the past 4 months.

With all the health stuff that had been going on (read about it here) I’ve managed to emotionally eat my way into gaining 10 lbs. in about 8 weeks. I was on the scale last night and it said 200 and I could have sobbed. (I gave the scale the middle finger.)  I was down to 188 not that long ago. I am so disappointed in myself.  And I wondered if this is something that I will forever struggle with?  I mean, c’mon, I’m gonna be 39 at my next birthday.  Will I always have issues with food?  Will that always be my ‘go to’ in times of stress and anxiety?  It’s depressing to think this might be a lifelong struggle.  Especially when I look at the face of my daughter, who at 19 months, is starting to imitate every single thing I do.  This is not something I wish for her to inherit.  My sense of humor?  Absolutely.  My ability to learn things quickly?  Yes, I’d love if she has that same ability.  My penchant for emotional eating and being overweight?  Not a fucking chance.

What I’m struggling with is how do I make this a lasting change?  How can I really start to cut new grooves in my brain and react differently?  I’d researched google and the interwebs but the advice is very simplistic.  Drink a glass of water before your meals.  Eat on a smaller plate.  It ain’t that people – my problem has nothing to do with food!  It’s all about the emotional aspect.  Trying to figure out how to comfort yourself in the moment without food.  A friend and I were chatting about this the other day…it’s this overwhelming need to consume anything, everything…mostly in an attempt to cover up whatever uncomfortable feelings are happening.  When I think about that thought, let it really sink in, it makes me sad.  Food has been the thing, in my mind, that has always been there for me.  Not family.  I have a few close friends that have been there for me, sure, but I always try to limit how much I share/tell/admit what I’m going through.  In the back of my mind, I tend to think that if they hear/know too much, they will no longer want to be my friend.

And all this brings me back around to the bigger picture.  That I don’t want to repeat this cycle for my daughter.  That even if I get knocked down or off-track, the most important thing is that I keep getting back up.  Keep trying new approaches.  Keep trying something different.  Because eventually what is new now will eventually become a habit right?   At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

Whatever you may be struggling with, I hope you too, have the courage to keep trying.  To keep running.  To keep going.

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