#onlythelonely

How many of you feel that you have found your tribe? Like your group of peeps that are “ride or die bitches” as my one girlfriend says. The ones that you know will be there not just for the good, but also for the shitty, messy, ugly parts of life?

If you answered yes, I have this to say to you: I’m jealous and be grateful. Since moving to Hotlanta, I lost my (local) tribe. I had a terrific group of close girlfriends in LA. Ones that I could call on a moment’s notice and go over to their house if something was happening with me. Since becoming a mom, I’ve really struggled to find a new tribe that I identify with.

Case in point – this weekend I went with 3 other acquaintances to Bad Moms. The movie was fantastic and hysterical at times, but there were parts of it that made me really emotional, thinking about my daughter, and I was tearing up/crying. Because in the movie, the lead character finds her tribe of weird mom friends. Genuine friends that care about her! The message really hit me. I cried. A lot.

Not one of them asked me if I was OK during or after the movie. Not one of them said a fucking word about my tears. None of them cried. During the movie credits, the actresses were filmed chatting with their own moms, and I cried even more. That part hit me especially hard because of my shitty (non-existent) relationship with my own mom. I couldn’t wait to leave to get away from them and be with my family. I cried the entire drive home, thinking to myself, “None of these women are your real friends. Not a single fucking one of them.” Superficial. They are what I like to call good time friends. You see them when it’s a good time….but when it gets rough, they scatter and are nowhere to be found.

If I’m going to spend time away from my daughter and my husband, I want it to be with quality people. People that want to know what is honestly going on with me. People who want the real story of my life. Not the glossy, positive only Facebook type picture of my life. Because that shit ain’t real. And I don’t have time for people in my life who are fake.

For those of you that have found your tribe, how’d you do it? Especially you moms…how did you find a good group of women that help to support and love you? I need any advice or suggestions you may have.

I am sitting on the couch, alone, surveying my disaster of a living room, taking a moment after putting the baby down to bed. Eating popchips like a mad woman. Watching episodes of Law & Order SVU because I can’t get enough of that show.

The husband is a 4 hour flight away at a funeral and I’ve been dealing with a kiddo with an ear infection since Tuesday night. A single ear infection turned into a double ear infection. Add to that an allergic reaction to the antibiotics we were given. This week has sucked. * Sigh *

Did I mention my husband was away? I wish that the dog could somehow help me out or babysit for a few hours to give me a break, but no such luck. Husband won’t be back until tomorrow, but he’s taking the red eye, but I don’t know how much “help” he will be when he does get home.

I love my daughter, and being a mom, but sometimes I think about my old, pre-baby life with longing. And I get a little sad. Because I miss some of the close friendships that I could more easily maintain pre-baby….and I feel like they’ve gotten left by the wayside. Overrun by shitty diapers, double ear infections, dinner time, nursing, walking the dog, laundry, bath time, putting the baby to bed…the endless list of to-do’s on my plate these days. When I do get a moment, I just want to sit in silence. By myself. Without anyone needing or wanting me.

I realize the irony in that last statement…how can I feel lonely when I’m almost never alone? But I am lonely. For some real friendships. For my mom tribe. For someone to tell me, “You are gonna get through this”, whatever this happens to be, knowing that they’ve walked in my shoes and can speak from experience.

My only close mom friends live far away….and it fucking sucks. I have made a few friends here, but one of the friends I have is the “cherish every moment!” kind of mom and that shit just ain’t real. Being real to me is admitting that some days you want to run away. Some days you want to scream at your husband that the next time he leaves his socks laying around you are going to put them all together in a pile and burn them. Real is not losing your shit on the dog, even though you really want to, when he shits in the house because you were too busy tending to your sick kid to take him for his normal walk.

No one told me that this mom business would have these kind of moments. Such worry. Such anxiety. Such frustration. Such loneliness. I’m probably talking to no one right now. * Sigh *

I think I’m going to bed. Alone.

Tag: #onlythelonely

Finding Your Tribe

Motherhood is Fucking Lonely Sometimes