Avoiding Self-Sabotage (Don’t ask me…still working on it)

On February 26, 2016February 26, 2016 By ErinIn Exercise, LifeLeave a comment

How do you not sabotage yourself? How do you nix it or nip it in the bud once and for all? I’ve been so frustrated with myself today, but at the same time, am trying to have compassion for myself, as I’m trying to unlearn some bad habits.

Growing up, I was the one that my mom and sisters compared themselves against. I was the fat yardstick – they felt better about themselves when they weighed less than me. Or their waist was smaller than mine. I distinctly remember them being giddy with excitement after they saw what I weighed compared to them. I never realized until I was an adult what a terrible fucking awful and shitty thing that is to do to someone. To make me be the “fat one”. The “less than” one. (Or more than in this instance.) Just so they could feel better about themselves.

I’ve had a lifetime of feeling like I don’t measure up to others, that somehow there is something wrong with me. And from that train of thought comes the all or nothing thinking when I’m having a bad day. It goes something like this, “Well, let’s just plow through the entire bag of peanut butter chocolate puppy chow mix, since you’ve had half the bag already.” So I eat until I am sick. And numb.

I’ve realized it is the numb part that I’m seeking during these times. The place where I’m beyond any kind of feeling. Usually something uncomfortable. And when I unpack it in my logical brain, it all makes sense. I’ve been without any kind of schedule for 3 weeks now. My last day at work was 2/5, and I’m floundering with the lack of routine or regular people interaction that came from my job. I’ve been trying to fill in the gaps with lunch dates with friends, exercise, networking, applying for jobs, etc. but it’s just not the same. And I’m nervous about finding a new job.

It’s not all hopeless, as I do see progress in my journey. I used to go on huge emotional eating binges for days, and the episodes have become less and less throughout the years. I’m more hypersensitive to my habits especially now because of my daughter. I don’t want to burden her with my baggage. Life is hard enough without adding your mother’s shit on top of everything else. I wish I knew the magic formula to turn it off.

How do you cope in times of uncertainty? What are your go-to strategies? What helps you not to numb out when you are scared/afraid/etc.?

Body After Baby

On February 23, 2016February 23, 2016 By ErinIn Life, Relationships, SexLeave a comment

I’ve been dumbfounded at what has happened to my body after having my daughter. No one prepares you for the shit that happens to you in the weeks and months after giving birth. I hear everyone talk about enjoying the time with the baby! And sleep when the baby sleeps! But the reality is that you are not only dealing with a new role in your life, as a mother, you are also dealing with the very real physical changes that come along with motherhood. Those that say that you’ll be back in your jeans in no time or that breastfeeding melts the pounds away – fuck you, you goddamn liars!

I feel the need to preface this for any men that may read this post. If you have a significant other, and she hasn’t given birth yet, you may want to cruise on past this post. A ‘read at your own risk’ kind of warning. I’m going to describe things that are: embarrassing, horrifying, ugly, and generally unpleasant. This shit is frightening and I think my husband still hasn’t recovered from all the trauma yet.

My birth was pretty traumatic and to make a long story short, there were forceps involved. I had had an epidural but I felt everything! I was pretty much a wreck downstairs for several months postpartum. I am pretty sure that I had some type of nerve damage from the forceps, because initially during sex I had a huge loss in sensation (some has since returned). Honest to God, I had times during sex where I was tempted to ask my husband, “Is it in yet?” because I didn’t feel ANY. THING. And this had nothing to do with the size of my husband’s junk. Some positions were better than others, but overall it was a devastating feeling not to feel much of anything. Even now, 15 months later, I still feel as though I have decreased sensation. And it takes me much longer to physically be ready for sex. All in all, sex has not been that enjoyable for me post-baby.

The return home with baby was memorable. I had a 9 lb. baby and when I came home 2 days later, I only weighed 4 lbs. less. You do the math on that one. I was so swollen from all of the IV fluids that I’d had that it took weeks for me to lose any significant amount of weight. The night we came home, I walked into the house and felt this warm sensation running down the inside of my thigh and down my leg. I thought it might have been some type of bleeding, and went immediately to the bathroom. It wasn’t blood….I had pissed my pants. With zero warning or signal from my body!

It got better when a few days later, while wearing my sexy adult diaper and putting dishes in the dishwasher, I felt something down below and before I knew it, it was already too late. I was crapping myself. Again, no warning! Nothing! Not even an SOS that a code brown was coming!!!! I remember whispering to my husband, who was next to me, “I am shitting my pants…” and he grabbed me by the elbow, and in a rush, tried to escort me to the bathroom. I just shook my head and said quietly, “Just leave me here.” The damage had already been done. The moment of humiliation happened. I cried so hard that night. It’s so frustrating to feel like you have no control over your bodily functions!

I distinctly remember going for my first run after getting cleared at my 6 week check-up. During my run I had full on pissed my pants. Not just a tinkle. Not just a little pee pee. I had fucking soaked my pants. I walked in the door, and the hubs excitedly asked how my run had went and I burst into tears! It took several minutes to even get the words out to tell him what had happened. It was that kind of ugly cry.

When I’m not dealing with physical issues from my birth battle wounds, there are the emotional ones that are just as tough. The hubs and I had been talking about sex, and things that we like, and I bravely confessed that I’m sad he hasn’t gone down on me since before I was pregnant. That’s like over 2 years!

He had explained, that with my issue with certain bodily functions, that he may get peed on during the deed. That’s why he’d been hesitant to go down on me. In his defense, I totally get his hesitation. On Sunday, while our daughter was sleeping, we were in the middle of getting it on, and my husband started to do what I had missed for 2 years – he went down on me!

I wish I could tell you that I enjoyed it. But I didn’t. At all. I was afraid to enjoy it. I was afraid that I would indeed pee on him, even though the whole pissing myself thing rarely happens any longer. I partially credit hoo-ha therapy (Yes! I went to hoo-ha therapy…or pelvic floor therapy) and getting back into workout routine with the decrease. I was afraid to climax because what if I did pee on him? And then there was the whole thought process of what my vagina looks like after pushing out a baby and tearing during the process…and well, yeah, Operation Downtown was a big fucking flop.

I sit here thinking, “Why are you writing all this embarrassing shit about yourself, Robin? What’s the fucking point of all this?” And honestly, maybe this will help someone. This is stuff that I wished I had known about before becoming a mother. So I wouldn’t feel so emotionally jarred when these things occurred. Had I known, then I would have been able to tell myself, “Hey buddy girl, this is a part of the process. This happens to other moms.” Instead of feeling alone. And dysfunctional. And abnormal.

What I have realized out of all of this is that I am grateful for my husband for helping me find my new normal. And our new normal as a couple. I’ve also realized the need to be compassionate with myself. That it takes time for your body (and your mind) to recover from giving birth. I look at my little pooch on my stomach, and I’m not embarrassed, but I think incredulously, “I grew my daughter in there!” And there’s a strength that comes from having gone through this whole process. I approach things differently, because if I can grow and birth a human being, what else can I do? What else am I capable of?

Where’s the Crafty part, Bitches?

On February 18, 2016February 18, 2016 By ErinIn DIY1 Comment

Ella and I definitely have the Chatty part down of Chatty Crafty Bitches, but we haven’t even delved into the crafty part. Yet. Oh, you with bated breath, exhale! because you shall wait no longer for the crafty in our posts. It has finally arrived. Let’s hope it doesn’t disappoint.

Since becoming a mom to V (as in Victory, she came out of my Vagina!), I’ve become much more aware of what is going in and on my body. And hers. And everyone’s. Well maybe not everyone’s body….because that would just be creepy. Let’s talk about a few crafty ways I’m changing it up.

Organic coconut oil. Did you know this shit is a miracle worker?!? Do you remember the movie “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”? How the dad was always spritzing Windex on everything? Organic coconut oil is my Windex! It goes on everything. It’s now my nighttime moisturizer, it’s V’s diaper rash cream, I’ve used it in recipes, it’s in a lip scrub I love!, I’ve put it on V’s eczema, and I’ve even gotten the husband into using it! He’s cooking with it and moisturizing his balls with it. (Guys in case you are wondering, coconut oil makes those suckers kissably soft. Just sayin’.)

I’m also using essential oils in cleaners or as ways to scent the home instead of regular candles and harsh cleaners. I’ve become hyper aware that it matters that we not breathe in chemicals or that V doesn’t pick up some crazy chemicals if she decides to pick up that banana from the floor and eat it. Which she totally does. My best carpet deodorizer? Baking soda + essential oils. My favorite essential oil to diffuse? Citrusy ones like lemon, orange, or grapefruit. Oh, here’s the diffuser I love – the colors make me so happy! And just this week I ordered a spray deodorant made with essential oils. Fer real.

I want to start making some of these things on my own, so I know exactly what is in them. I have the essential oils, coconut oil, and other things to make moisturizers, lip balms, etc. More to come on this…

I’ve started a small indoor garden. I’d like my daughter to see some of our food come from us, from our own hands…we planted it, nurtured it, grew it, and harvested it. While I love the idea, I sincerely hope I won’t kill the plants because I forget to water them. (Which reminds me, need to have the husband invent some type of self-watering system where the plants whisper “I’m dying!!!!!!” and then water is released. Or something like that.)

I’m getting back to composting too! And the husband and I are seriously considering downsizing to a tiny house in the next few years as well.

Bottom line, I’m really concerned about my footprint in the world and how I can help minimize our waste. I’m worried about what kind of Earth my child will have to live on after I’m gone. I want to do my part to make it a better one.

My Brain is Broken

On February 17, 2016 By ErinIn Can't Make This Shit Up, LifeLeave a comment

So I’ve read a lot about the power of positive thinking. I’m sure you’ve heard such catch phrases as “change your thinking, change your life!” and “your thoughts determine your destiny”. But for the life of me my default is worst case scenario. I’m trying to change that, I really am….but it ain’t easy.

For example, I was impacted at my job, so I’m looking for work right now. Even though I was given 3 months of severance, this is the thought process that went through my head. Keep in mind that I did the calculations on this, and with my husband working full-time, that money should be able to last/stretch us for at least 6 months….without tapping into our savings. What if I don’t find a job right away? What if no one wants to hire me? What if I can’t find work? What if we run out of money? What if we can’t pay the mortgage? What if we have to move? What if we lose our cars, our house? OMG WE’RE GONNA BE BANKRUPT, HOMELESS, AND IN FINANCIAL RUIN BECAUSE OF ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another recent example. I’m sure you’ve all heard or read something about the Zika virus by now. Since the hubs works for an airline, we have travel benefits, and he’s mentioned wanting to go to South America (particularly Brazil, Chile, Peru areas), Latin America (Mexico, Costa Rica, etc.)…and I believe all of the countries I’ve mentioned have had Zika outbreaks. I get that this impacts pregnant women only. Am I pregnant? No. Are we actively trying to get pregnant? Fuck no! But where did my brain go? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WHEN I GET PREGNANT WITH A ZIKA BABY?

In both instances I was legit terrified for a bit. (or awhile.) My brain spins out of control, thinking about all of the “what if” situations until I am a nervous, anxious frenzied hot mess. My husband doesn’t understand it at all, and it’s completely frustrating to him. Well guess what buddy? It’s completely frustrating to me too! It’s no fun to feel completely paralyzed by something that will probably never happen but in your mind, you’ve envisioned it happening so clearly, how can it not come to pass? This is a daily struggle for me. I’m trying to reign it in.

I’ve been exercising regularly, as an outlet. I’m also getting back to writing/blogging/journaling. I’ve also started doing meditation. Ok, I’ve half-assed the meditation bit. I have a guided medication app on my phone called “Breathe” and it’s been at least two weeks since I’ve used it. And the meditations are short, between like 3-5 minutes, so I have zero excuse not to do it daily. And from what I’ve read, daily meditation might be my miracle cure.

For those of you anxious worriers out there like me, how do you turn off the stream of “what ifs” in your life? How do you quiet the noise? What techniques have worked for you? This worrier needs your advice. BRB – going to meditate so I can change my thinking and change my life (because I need a job goddamnit!).

Parenting with Different Backgrounds

On February 13, 2016 By ErinIn Kidlets, Life, RelationshipsLeave a comment

Last night was another fight in the Von Poopenberg household over our kid. Well maybe not fight. Let’s go with discussion instead. Sure, that sounds better.

Today is the hubs birthday. Last night, we had a sitter lined up and had plans to meet some friends for dinner and drinks. We bring V home from daycare yesterday, and while I was holding her, she starts throwing up. She threw up on me twice, and then again, after I had hauled her upstairs and had given her a bath. She didn’t have a fever or anything, but I didn’t feel right about leaving her with a sitter while she’s not feeling well. The hubs suggested that we go to dinner anyway, bring her, because she appears to be fine now. I vehemently disagree. As the time ticks away, we try to figure out what to do. He tells me “I don’t want to leave you alone while she’s sick.” I tell him I don’t feel comfortable leaving her, regardless of the reason why she is sick. I tell him I want to stay home to monitor her. Five minutes later, he tells me he’s going to meet our friends for drinks and will be back later. With that, he grabbed his keys and left.

I was a bit dumbfounded. And then I was angry. So I put the kadiddle to bed, and I end up staying in the bedroom because I don’t want to be far away from her. What if she throws up again? Sure, I could turn on the monitor but I don’t want to be on another floor if she needs me right away. So I lay in bed, reading for awhile. I try to sleep but every time she rolls over or makes a sound, I sit straight up in bed panicked. Then I sit listening, straining to make sure she is still breathing. And still stewing about the earlier interaction with the hubs.

He starts texting me, telling me that “I felt bottled up and trying to understand your perspective when mine was fighting was making things hard on me” and “our perspectives were clashing in my head” so that’s why he left. He got home later and we had a very pained conversation about it. He doesn’t understand why I was so worried, because as he said, “If your finger was still attached, then it wasn’t a problem”…meaning in his family, you didn’t get attention for simple sickness. Only when it was something catastrophic. He went on to say that he is trying to see things from my perspective but he’s having a difficult time. And that I’m a first time mother, so compared to his mom (who had 6 kids) I react differently. So I tell him that from my point of view, when my kid is sick, that is my first priority. And I’d rather be home with her than out and about. And then I ask him, “After you’ve thrown up, for whatever the reason, did you feel like doing anything?!?” And what I don’t tell him is that it felt like friends won out over his family. That his daughter had thrown up three times, and he still felt the need to go out and have beers, even though he was out with the same gang the night before, and would be going out again tonight.

Our conversation ended with no real resolution. I feel like we camped over in our corners, respectively, waiting for the bell to ding again for the next round of fighting. I’m struggling to understand how he’d want to go out still (granted it was his birthday celebration) and he’s struggling to understand why I worry so much about her, when in his mind, she is fine. I think our different styles of parenting are a positive thing – we both bring different strengths to the table, and that can only benefit our daughter in the long run. But how do you come to some sort of compromise when you are in opposite corners? How do you get each other to understand your point of view?

I’m stumped. And kind of sad about that. So I guess on that note, let me wish you all “Happy Fucking Valentine’s Day.” This parenting shit is hard!

Exciting, yet Scary Times Ahead

On November 3, 2015 By ErinIn Can't Make This Shit Up, LifeLeave a comment

I’ve been told my job has been impacted. Translation: Yer fired! My last day with my current company will be 2/29/2016, which will be here before you know it. I hate to admit this, but I’ve gotten really comfortable at my cushy, six-figure corporate job. And now that the reality is starting to sink in, what kind of income loss that will be for our family, I’m starting to freak the fuck out.

What if I can’t find a job right away? What if I can’t find anything even close to what I’m making now? What if no one wants to hire me? What if I bring financial ruin upon our family? These are just some of the questions that have been flitting in out and of my thoughts these days. I keep trying to reassure myself that things WILL be OK. I truly believe shit does happen for a reason.

In terms of what I’m going to do in the future, I’ve stumbled upon two awesome opportunities that leave me feeling, dare I say, hopeful. The first one is more short-term, but one that both my husband and I are really excited about. We will be hosting 2 exchange students from Brazil from 11/8 – 12/5. These are adult students (age 18-35) that are learning English. I will have to take them to / from class, and thank gawd I have the flexibility with my current job to be able to do that for them. The coolest part? Having our daughter be around people from different countries AND building an international “family” of sorts.

The second opportunity is a continuing education class on big data / data analytics. The job I’m currently in has really strayed from what I’ve done (and enjoyed doing). As a result, I feel like I’ve lost some valuable brain cells by being in a role that has been less than challenging. I’m thrilled to get back to something that I really enjoy doing, working with data, and putting it to use in a new-ish career field. It really is thrilling to see that there is such a need for this AND these types of jobs command exceptional salaries. More than anything though, I want something with some flexibility. This would provide that.

The part that freaks me out is that the program costs almost $4k. That’s a lot of money for a certificate program, but I’m hoping it will payoff in the end. The other scary thing about this is the thought “Have I got what it takes to do this?” The program is 10 Saturdays, which involve all-day sessions (from 8:30-5). That’s quite a commitment my friends. And it’s a lot of technical information that will be thrown at us in a short amount of time. I’m so nervous, but at the same time, cannot wait for the opportunity to dig into something meaty again. Challenge myself. Try something new. Learn. Grow. Carve a new path for myself.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m so thankful for this current job. It’s provided some awesome opportunities for me and my family. I’ve had a ton of flexibility. I was able to take 3 months off after having Vivi. I’m truly lucky, I do realize this.

I feel like the timing of all this (exchange students, program, job ending) is all very serendipitous and that the universe is really looking out for me. It’s gently telling me, “Hey Robin, it’s time for a course change…time to direct you to your next awesome opportunity.” I stand tall, hyperventilating from nervousness and excitement about what the future holds for me.

Screw the Anger (Away)

On October 29, 2015 By ErinIn Relationships, SexLeave a comment

As a relatively new mom, I’ve struggled with postpartum rage. If I’m quite honest, it’s been a ~~little~~ lot disturbing to me how fast I can go from docile to raging beast mode (I clocked it…it’s like 2.13 seconds). I’m sure it’s a combination of hormones, adjusting to parenthood, stress of current job/life situation. It’s really been a perfect storm of sorts these days. Most of this rage has been directed at my husband….maybe because he’s front and center in my life? I dunno. I’ve been struggling with a way to deal with it, but believe I may have finally found a solution. Finally. And I’m happy to report it’s a drug-free solution – one that is all natural!

My solution (queue the drum roll!): screw the anger away. Literally. Banging my husband and having a big (or small) O helps immensely. I was so excited to share this new revelation with him the other night.

Me: Do you know how to make me less angry? Screw me regularly. Like pound me hard kind of sex.

Husband stares at me, blinking rapidly.

Me: I’m being TOTALLY serious! How can anyone be angry after a session like that?!?

Husband laughs.

It’s a win-win right? It will help me and our relationship at the same time! It will bring us closer, and get back to some normalcy after the long road of pregnancy and caring for a newborn.

We put it into practice earlier this week and got it on 3 nights in a row! And let me tell you, it’s certainly helped. I’ve noticed that I’m much less angrier, nor do I get upset if the husband leaves his shit laying around. For those of you who do it more regularly, that is like half the times we’ve done it since Vivi was born…10 months ago. So 3 nights in a row is quite a feat for us these days!

I’m happy to report that one of those sessions left me with a bruise on the side of my ribs. Kind of a warrior badge, if you will. I will certainly take one for the team in order to help tame the angry beast within!

Feeling Overwhelmed and a Shitty Wife, Mom, Employee, Person

On October 9, 2015 By ErinIn Can't Make This Shit Up, LifeLeave a comment

Warning: This post contains quite a few swear words. I’ve fucking warned you!

In an effort to be ‘positive’ about my impending work layoff, I’ve created a countdown of work days that are left. I need to stay 94 work days in order to receive a severance package. 94 days!!! That seems like an eternity from now, given how I feel about everything. Even though this work reorg had been in the works and I’d been expecting to be impacted, I’ve had very mixed emotions this week about everything. I’m feeling totally overwhelmed, grumpy, downright bitchy and a terrible wife, mom, employee and person. I’ve vacillated between “It’s gonna be OK!” to “What are we going to do?!” and I’ve spent a lot of time feeling completely and utterly numb.

Found out yesterday that instead of reporting to my current boss through the rest of the calendar year, the “new” manager wants to meet with us so they can get started ASAP! Way to be a go-getter. Funny part? We are US based, and the new regime is in Singapore or Hong Kong or some other place in Asia….so how’s that gonna work? It’s a 12 hour time difference. My current boss hears this news, pitches a fit and leaves work at noon (after coming in at 10AM). And I wanted to say to her, “Wait, why are you upset? This doesn’t even affect you…you won’t report to them!”

And on top of that, based on the information we’re getting, the new regime thinks my coworker and I are going to automatically re-apply for our jobs. What a huge assumption to make, considering this is the second time in less than a year, that I’ve been basically “fired” and told I could re-apply for my job…if I wanted to. No thank you. No fucking thank you. Our meeting with them on Monday should be interesting, as I plan on leading that discussion with…”I have no intention of re-applying….” I know that I’m a good worker. I’m productive, hard working, but man this shit has been demoralizing…the message that I’m getting is that the work I’ve done isn’t valued or appreciated. And that’s a bitter pill to swallow, considering I always try to put forth my very best effort.

I had been bitching to my husband Wednesday night at dinner that our general manager hasn’t said a word to me about being impacted. Not a “Hey I’m sorry this happened to you” or something like that…even if it is fake!!!! Let’s at least try to fake some compassion. I’m sorry that I bitched about it, because yesterday he said to me, “Hey, well at least I could let you work from Hawaii in between firings…” [Sidenote: My husband had a work assignment in Hawaii for 3 months…and I was ‘allowed’ to work remotely for a total of weeks so I wouldn’t be caring for our 3 month old child ALL BY MYSELF.] So fucking compassionate of him to say that right? Asshole.

Last thing I will mention about work, before I move on to my other ~~complaints~~ bitches, is how fucking dumb are people if they really expect us to produce when we’ve just been told we won’t have jobs?!? I mean, what kind of fucking fantasy land do they live in?

Husband will be traveling next week for work. He told me he wasn’t going to travel during the month of October, but realistically, with what is going on his job, I knew that wasn’t going to be possible. So next week he’ll be gone from Tuesday – Friday. Let’s hope I don’t lose my shit again when he’s gone.

Husband wants to invite mother-in-law to come here to ‘help’ me when he’s gone next week, and also for next month, when he will be traveling for most of the month. Ah Dios Mio! My mother-in-law is a little 4 foot Hispanic woman who doesn’t speak a lick of English. I know enough Spanish to be dangerous, but clearly there is a communication gap between us. So let’s leave us alone together for a week with a baby! Yes! Because that sounds like one more thing I need to fucking deal with right now, doesn’t it?

Vivi must be going through some kind of developmental leap these days, because she’s just whiny whenever you set her down for onesinglesecond. And honestly, it’s been so fucking annoying for me. It’s been so bad that I’ve been telling the husband that I will walk the dog so he can get her ready because I need the break.

I was walking the dog yesterday, and had Vivi in the jogging stroller and I sprained my ankle so badly. It was like “Bam! Bitch goes down!” because I completely fell forward, my ankle completely twisting.

And ordinarily our cute little dog never bothers me, but he just put his paws on my leg and was talking to me like “Hey mom how are you?” And in response I yelled, “SHUT UP! LEAVE ME ALONE!”

I even went to therapy this week, although I don’t think you can tell based on this post. Therapy is one of my coping skills. I believe everyone needs therapy. I’ve been working out and eating copious amounts of peanut butter fudge too. I’ve got mad coping skillz.

I don’t know where I’m really going with this, but I want to shout out: “UNIVERSE CAN YOU GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK FROM ALL THIS STRESS? AND I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT A BROKEN BONE…LIKE A REPRIEVE FROM THIS BEFORE I END UP IN THE LOONY BIN!!!!!”

Note: If you see no more posts from me after this, I’m probably in a room with padded walls.

Having My Best Week Ever (not true!)

On October 3, 2015October 3, 2015 By ErinIn Can't Make This Shit Up, Kidlets, LifeLeave a comment

You remember that VH1 show, Best Week Ever?!? By referencing that show, does it show my age? Ah, well, hell….let me tell you the week I’ve just had.

Last Thursday – Sunday: We have had a trip planned to LA for several months so of course I get sick right before we fly out. Thanks for sharing your germs from daycare kiddo!

Monday: Work from home because I’m feeling like absolute crap and guessing my coworkers will be happy that I’m not going in to the office to “share” this with them. Went to doctor and confirmed that I have upper respiratory infection and because I’m still nursing, there’s not really anything I can take unless I want to dry up my supply. Bonus/plus side? My doctor was pretty hawt.

Monday Night: Husband tells me that his work trip, which was supposed to be a day trip on Tuesday will now last until Friday. Wake up in the middle of the night and I feel a lump in my boob. Don’t give it much thought as I roll over and go back to bed.

Tuesday Morning: Work from home again because I’m still not feeling great/hacking all the time AND am pretty sure now that I’ve got my second case of mastitis. My right boob is throbbing anytime I move around. I’ve been trying to hand express to get the milk out, and also put moist heat on it, but not really helping much. FML.

Tuesday at 11AM: Jump on a “catch up call” with my coworker, boss, and director to find out that the latest reorg puts me, my coworker, my director, and about 10 other people of our 25 person team out of jobs. I was expecting this, but there’s something to be said for hearing someone tell you “Congratulations – you’re getting laid off/let go/bye Felicia!” We were told our last day would be 2/29/2016…a day that occurs once every four years. What a special occasion!

Tuesday at noon: Mastitis is confirmed with slight fever and boob that is all red and inflamed. Call dr. to get prescription for antibiotic since I’ve been here before…thanks to my friend Angela for that suggestion because I’d have probably waited until I felt like complete and total shit, requiring a middle-of-the-night ER visit. Add finding new daycare to the to-do list because of massive issues.

Tuesday evening: Talk to husband and have total meltdown on the phone, complete with ugly crying, repeating “I can’t adult any more today”.

Wednesday morning: Still at home, took a sick day because I need to rest AND because I no longer give two shits about my (soon-to-be-eliminated) job. My idea of “relaxing”? Cleaning up my shit sty of a house. Relaxing fail.

Thursday: Finally go in to work and virtually no one in our department is there. I get it, with the happenings of this week, but we have 5 months until our last day…it’s a little early to start checking out everyone, isn’t it? Leave work early myself to enroll daughter in new daycare. Go to pick her up from daycare that we are about to fire and the ladies ask me, “Did you not bring any food for Viv?” Um, what?!? You didn’t feed her all day then and I see hardly any milk has been drank. Oh even better – they fed her food that we didn’t authorize, and they sound unsure of what they fed her. Let’s just hope she doesn’t have allergies to anything because I don’t know WTF she ate. Please, please, PLEASE dear God do not let me lose my shit. If I end up in jail, it will be a solid 24 hours before the husband can bail me out.

Friday: Inform daycare that we are pulling our daughter from them. Best part? When I pick her up a few hours later after working a short day, they even fuck up packing up her supplies. I was missing two bottles full of milk THAT THEY DIDN’T FEED HER. Husband had to stop on his way home after his flight landed.

Friday Night: Drank a beer and listened to my husband tell me all about his wild night during his business trip. I got to hear how they were out until 3AM, their dinner bill for 9 people came to $1,400, they went for drinks later (that was $500 alone), and lastly, but surely not least, they ended up at a strip club. I honestly don’t care about the strip club part, but way to regale me about your adventures when I’m stuck here, sick, and managing to (barely) hold down the fort. I love my husband deeply but sometimes I want to slap his fucking face off.

Saturday Morning: As I write this blog post, I’ve been awake since around 3:30AM. I’ve fed and clothed the baby, changed 2 diapers, walked the dog, got showered, and am currently writing out my grocery list. I went upstairs around 7AM with the baby, and the husband was still half asleep. He’d been sleeping for about 11 hours, and when I mentioned that to him, he replies, “So?!?” And then commented about how he was making up for my lack of sleep. How thoughtful, huh?!?

Conclusion: I need to buy a lottery ticket because my luck has got swing back up at some point, right?!? It HAS to…that’s what I keep telling myself.

We’re Nucking Futs (or Fucking Nuts)

On September 30, 2015September 30, 2015 By ErinIn Exercise, Running3 Comments

“Do. Or do not. There is no try.” – Yoda

Ella and I registered for a Disney Star Wars Half Marathon. Are we regular runners? Not by a 5k. Are we super fit? Um, you tell me. We googled “half marathon training for lardos”. Are we out of our minds? ~~Probably.~~ Definitely. This is how our chat went leading up to registration. I’d like to add that I really do know how to type without using ALL CAPS but they seemed appropriate for this convo.

Ella: remember when i said my goal was to run a disney marathon like this year
lol
yea

Robin: yeah. MAYBE YOU SHOULD DO THIS ONE WITH ME

Ella: that didnt happen
hahahaha

Robin: WE COULD DIE TOGETHER

Ella: hahahhaa
#goals

Robin: LIKE THELMA & LOUISE

Ella: off we run into the distance

Robin: I meant ‘do together’ not die together

Ella: see you at the hospital
hahahha

Robin: FREUDIAN SLIP

There you have it, the logic behind our decision. Let’s hope that this conversation doesn’t become “famous last words” for us. Follow us for 1/2 marathon training for lardos. Errrr….MILFs in training (not to die).